javs blog

my top 5 favorite albums, and why

in no particular order…

when i first heard MORRISSEY i was not impressed. since that time, him, his music, and everything about him has become something special to me. out of all of his releases, id have to say my favorite is YOUR ARSENAL. i think that as an album, it is his strongest and a lot of the lyrics really strike home to me. i have a fucking tattoo of one of the songs on the album

in 1994 or 1995, i saw a band that changed my life. it was the first hardcore show that i remember being at Showcase Theater. me, aaron lisi, and austin drove out in the rain to somewhere we’d never been before. i dont even think id been that far out on the 91 before. i remember telling kids at my school that the show was cancelled cause we didnt want anyone else to be there. 1134 played, and palefire (who i was good friends with and loved). but then this band called BLOODLET played. fucking blew me away. it was one of the most intense and evil things id ever witnessed. couple years later they released an album called ENTHEOGEN. it is their masterpiece. its almost flawless to me, except for the re-recorded versions of old songs. everything about this record i love.. the cover art, the lyrics, the passion, the way every instrument is cohesive and powerful.

when i was in 7th grade we still lived in Albuquerque, NM. one of my only friends was a fat black kid named Rashan Jones. Rashan discovered that kids that werent black liked hiphop, and i had someone to talk to it about. i spent many many afternoons watching and videotaping YO! MTV Raps. this time spawned my love for PUBLIC ENEMY. i used to stay up at night listening to it on my headphones and writing the lyrics down, and come to school the next day and talk about them with Rashan. IT TAKES A NATION OF MILLIONS TO HOLD US BACK introduced me to music with a message. music that cared as much about rocking the party as establishing social consciousness.

WORSHIP AND TRIBUTE is another album that i can listen to without getting sick of. i was first introduced to GLASSJAW in 2001 while i was touring with Poison The Well. i was even asked to be IN the band on that tour by their manager. the lyrics are so poetic and vague that i cant help but love them. to me, this record is pure emotion.

the fifth album could either be STARING AT THE SEA by THE CURE or START TODAY by GORILLA BISCUITS.. but i cant decide.

honorable mention goes to two somewhat new and unlikely records.

PORTAIT OF THE GODDESS and PERSEVERANCE by BLEEDING THROUGH and HATEBREED, respectively, got me through a really tough time in my life. the lyrics on both of these albums inspired me so much to make a positive change in my life and to this day when i hear them it helps me get through the day.

the other day nathaniel and i were talking about how we both have dreams of floating. like, in super mario bros 3 when he bounces off the ground and floats back down. we also both fight in slow motion in our dreams.

he said it has something to do with having a problem you cant resolve or something.

fucking awesome.

i have had so much to say and write the past few days. but i havent done it. ive been keeping everything inside. but i know its going to be like a guyser. or a volcano. all this pressure gets built up until it cant be held in anymore, and then it explodes.

kate just told me “its funny how you fall into old habits.” its so true. ive read that once a habit gets put into your brain, its really hard to break that synapse or whatever.

i just want a steak, a beer, and a hug.

im reading the motley crue book right now, The Dirt. I just read something in the third chapter that hit me like a fucking slap.

Tommy Lee said, “I’ve learned in life that if you chase something for long enough, pretty soon it will start chasing you.”

FUCK.

I realize that for years ive been chasing the dream of people leaving me alone. people letting me live my own life. people ignoring me. and sure as shit, its happened.

i talk to about 5 people right now. but those 5 people, i talk to a LOT. since moving back, ive really found out who my friends are.

and to quote Lucero… “I ain’t so lonely”

if there is one thing i could change about myself, it would be my propensity towards being angry. its an emotion that most people probably dont even know i have a problem with.

today i got very very angry. i had a conversation with a friend who is involved in a very troubled relationship. it sucks to see this person going through this. i wish i could change their situation. it all seems so easy to me, but “you shouldnt throw rocks if you live in fragile fairy tales” i guess.

after having this conversation, i went to Public Storage. since i moved back, all of my belongings are in a 5 by 7 storage space. it costs 101 dollars a month. ive had it for two months now? i go there about 2 or 3 times a week. usually to pick through my DVDs and CDs to take to Second Spin to sell to get money for gas and food. i pretty much know everyone who works there. i parked my car outside the gate, as i usually do because its more convenient that way. i walked up to the thing that you type your code into to get in, and one of the workers was walking up the driveway behind me.

“can i help you?”
“yeah. im going to my space.”
“why arent you taking your car in?”
“um… its just easier this way. am i not allowed to do that?”
“no. you have to take your car in. you cant park here. youll get towed.”

she didnt even really look at me. she is usually really nice to me. but she really really made me mad. i dont know if it was her tone of voice or what, but i felt really talked down to and i considered calling her manager.

i went up to storage, opened it, took my glasses off and grabbed a bag of dirty clothes to bring back to mark’s and wash. i locked up the unit, got down to my car, started driving out and realized i had forgotten my glasses inside.

anger rising.

i drove out of the parking lot and the worker smiled and waved. i just looked at her.

i dont know why all of that made me so angry. thats one of the reasons i think i have a real problem with it. i get so worked up about stuff. i feel like hitting things and throwing things. i actually used to do that a lot. id hit walls, doors… id throw chairs. ive really come a long way since those days. but it still builds up sometimes.

i realized that i can talk for two hours about Morrissey but i cant talk for two minutes about the presidential election.

i tattooed myself and mark today. HOLD ON TO YOUR FRIENDS in morrissey’s handwriting. mark tattooed TLOTFIP on my wrist. emily used to say i had an unhealthy obsession. i dont think its unhealthy or an obsession. i dont know what to call it though.

i really hate gas prices. fuck.

today was a very strange day.

got to work around 1030. had a couple clients.

in between clients these two women walk up to me and ask if im under 25 years old. i say no, and ask why. they say they are casting for an MTV show, and think im “hot” and “have a cool look”. i show them around the salon and they keep scouting. turns out they are casting for NEXT.

i see this really pretty guy. like, tall, shaved legs, long hair. quite obviously a transvestite at night. turns out the guy does makeup on america’s next top model.

during the day, i like to shoot the shit with norm (real name brian), and evan. two dudes who work at stores in the lab. both are very funny guys and we like to make fun of stupid hipsters and little girls who walk by. it makes us feel better about ourselves. ANYWAY.. we see this guy walk into the shoe store. pretty sure it’s Zack de la Rocha, but we cant really tell. we make lots of jokes about how little kids from ecuador made the shoes he’s about to buy, etc. ha ha.

one of the dudes from the shoe store comes in the salon and tells us that zack de la rocha is in his store buying 200 dollar jeans. wow.

im sitting outside of the salon and he comes up to the magazine stand we own and asks if we sell cigarettes. he is wearing jack purcells, ben davis pants and a plain grey shirt. a couple minutes later, i see him sitting at a table at the gypsy den, by himself, smoking a cigarette and drinking orange juice. kinda refreshing to know that beneath all the mystique and fame, etc., he is just a dude. like me.

i went to happy hour with some of the assistants. dollar sapporos are an awesome thing. eric jansson and charles marcus walk in. so fucking random.

came back to marks and went to trader joes.

it seems like when i first moved back, every night was a fucking party. i dunno if it was just the excitement of being back home and around old friends, but its not as fun anymore. i almost like it better when i didnt have a job and i just drank every night. weird.

i feel like im obsessing about my ipod. i have to fuck with it every day. i have to always have it with me. it got a scratch on the screen and my thumb goes back and forth over it, like if i rub it a genie will appear and make the scratch go away. it was a birthday gift, and its one of the best gifts ive ever recieved. im proud of it. i worship music. i am such a collector. im a completist. i have to have EVERY song by the bands i love, or i dont feel whole.

ive been really low on money, and ive had to sell some cds. nothing that hurts yet. a few muse and placebo cds, but nothing too special. i started flipping through records one day, and slapped my wrist. i cant go there. im not that desperate.

im listening to miles davis right now. i used to listen to jazz when i was younger. well, what i thought was jazz. i guess you could consider chet baker jazz. and i have a couple john coltrane records. i spent my teenage years denying the music i listened to when i was really young, because youre supposed to HATE the music your parents listened to. stuff like led zeppelin, frank zappa, and hank williams… thats what my mom and dad listened to. i thought i had to hate it. even when i was in 8th grade, and we HAD to listen to metallica, anthrax, and megadeth, i thought bands like guns ‘n roses were fucking poseurs. weak.

as ive grown up my musical tastes have, too. i like a lot of mellow music. i guess you could say i like EXTREME music. extremely fast and brutal, extremely sad, extremely innovative.. im always looking for something new to inspire and motivate me.

so, bottom line, i spent 4 hours on the computer fucking with my ipod and looking up joy division and into another websites, and listening to walter schefriels‘ solo stuff. i dunno that id call that terribly productive, but at least im not drinking or doing something sketchy. whatever.

little kids can be such assholes.

i take devin to the park quite regularly. we try to go to lots of different parks, so we dont get bored of the same one. we usually go just the two of us. mostly because i dont have other kids.

since im not very much fun, devin always tries to talk to the other little kids playing. sometimes she meets nice kids who want to play with her. but nine times out of ten, the kids are fucking assholes and wont give her the time of day.

case in point: yesterday we were at this park next to mark’s house. these two little shits come running around, and devin says “hi boys!!!” all excited.

they didnt even look at her.

i said, “dont worry dev. they are brats and dont want to play.”

she kept trying to talk to them and seriously, they wouldnt acknowledge her.

i hope those little kids grow up to be asshole stock brokers who get mugged or beaten by desperate homeless people.

ive been having very vivid dreams as of late. i wake up remembering the most minute details. for the longest time i didnt believe that i dreamt because i never remembered anything.

last night i dreamt that this guy who looks like Sid Haig locked me and three friends in an apartment and made us slit our hands, fill up cups with our blood, and paint the walls with them.

i had a dream the other night. it inspired me to start writing a book. ive written two chapters already. im not going to say what its about, but its a fictional work based off of facts from my childhood. more like, using childhood memories to tell a story about someone else, if that makes sense.

i havent slept in a real bed in over a month.