javs blog

im pretty sure i have TMJ. my face really fucking hurts, especially at night. possibly associated with this is the fact that i am more depressed at night. i can go all day without being sad or having anxiety, but when the moon comes up my mood goes down.

shanna bought me a book called I HOPE THEY SERVE BEER IN HELL by a guy called Tucker Max. it’s probably the most entertaining book i’ve EVER read. it’s basically stories this guy wrote about drinking, fighting, and fucking… three totally awesome sports in my book. some of it sounds too good to be true.. but i know people like this so i believe it.

i started taking pictures with my holga again. im totally into it. photography is an expensive hobby, but it really helps me to look at the world in a different way.

songs of the week…

“neighborhood #1 (tunnels)” by arcade fire
“into you like a train” by jawbreaker
“clean” by depeche mode
“sweet thing” by van morrisson

i reconnected with two old friends this week. bonnie and christina. it was nice having conversations with people that i didnt realize i missed so much. talking about dragons and god, and beer and buffalo wings.

the first time i smoked pot i was 14 or 15. it was in a park in costa mesa with a kid named howard. howard had attained a certain level of infamy for two reasons. first, his sister was hot. second, he had been hit by an ice cream truck when he was little.

we rode our skateboards to either ogle street park or the park on 16th near Orange ave, and he pulled out a pipe he said was made out of bone. we each took a couple of hits and i guess we got stoned.

the first time i drank was probably right after. we had a party at the O’Flynn’s house. they were 4 sisters who were the life of the party. i drank tequila and made out with Mary O’Flynn.

the first time i took acid was probably about six months later. i dont think i was 16 yet. Austin Hawkins and i went to Tom Walker’s house and everybody dropped a hit of acid. Tom and Tyler were both 17 and it made us feel real cool to be hanging out with juniors. i remember we were all in this empty room and a police helicopter was looking for someone on the street and we all got really freaked out and got down on the floor cause the search light came into the room.

the first time i took mushrooms i was 17. this girl named Jamie’s dad owned the condo next to theirs down on the 45th street in newport. i think it was me, Jake Bolding, this girl Sarah and then Jamie, and we ate mushrooms and tripped out in the empty condo. i thought we were underwater cause when people would talk i would see bubbles coming out of their mouths. when we woke up, it was really foggy and we all just sat and looked at the ocean for a long time.

right around this time, a smoked hash in a hotel room in newport beach.

i became straight edge when i was 17. i guess it was 1992 or 1993. my math aint so great. i lived that way until 2000. a few of us were at Chase’s house. me and him were in the kitchen and i looked at him and said, “hey. watch.” and i put a bottle of captain morgan’s to my lips and took a drink. i dont think ive ever seen someone smile so big. i went out into the living room where everyone else was and said, “hey. watch” and i drank a beer in front of them. Rob Ray.. man. i thought he was going to cry he was so happy.

the first time i did coke i was like 25. we were going out to a club, and my friend just pulled some out and we did it.

the first time i did speed was about a week after that.

i did amyl nitrate once with my friend Matthew in a hotel room in vegas.

ive never done ecstasy. ive never done heroin.

last night i smoked weed and watched robot chicken and south park. i dont really like smoking weed. it makes me feel so fucking stupid. i guess ill just stick to beer, and get fat.

when i was about five or six, my mom took me out to a lake or river. i was too young and i dont remember which. we lived in arizona at the time, so i may have been evern younger than that. i climbed into a raft, and it floated away from shore. i just remember being in a raft with water all around me, crying. eventually a boat came up, and a guy with a beard was driving and my mom was sitting on the bow. they pulled me into the boat and my mom was crying.

“The only thanks you and your kind will ever get from me for your efforts on my behalf is that I wish you all had one neck and that I had my hands on it. I have no desire whatever to reform myself. My only desire is to reform people who try to reform me, and I believe that the only way to reform people is to kill ‘em”

that is a quote from a serial killer named Carl Panzram. One time i had this book called Lustmourd… it was art and writing from serial killers. that quote always stuck out in my head. it did and didn’t surprise me when i saw it in the booklet for the LEFT FOR DEAD cd.

i wonder why its so common to be interested in serial killers, and murder in general. we can all blame the media, but i think its deeper than that. i think its a part of humanity. but keep in mind the fact that there is a difference between being interested and being influenced.

i wish i could write in this every single day. i have so much to say. so many stories. i am just finding out that people actually read this, and that’s fine with me.

i havent written any more of my book.

i hate shaving.

i dont really eat when the sun is up very often anymore.

i have over 8000 songs on my ipod now. i listen to maybe a hundred of them. my favorite ones right now:

“the sporting life” by the decemberists
“laughing at you” by head automatica
“sweet thing” by van morrisson
“i guess thats why they call it the blues” by elton john
“kill a celebrity” by ramallah
the whole perseverance album by hatebreed
anything by death from above 1979
and my “MOZ” playlist. i love playlists actually. im really into them. i spend a LOT of time on them.

speaking of MOZ. i forgot his birthday til the day after. i actually felt stupid. maybe i should tattoo it on me. me and mark drove down to SD to see him play with kim and travis. it was the sixth or seventh time ive seen him, and definitly not the best. but when he played “national front disco” my face hurt from smiling.

i recently learned how to use the Garage Band program on mark’s computer. ive always wanted to start an electronic side project, and it’s finally been born. it’s called the A-Life. i got the name from a Creation is Crucifixion song.
but if you want more information about what it means, go to this page. i spoke to Joel Bull about doing poetry over some of my stuff.

mark and i have yet to start any of our other music projects. its kind of a bummer.

i write to remember.