Almost on a daily basis, an old lady makes me feel like an idiot.

Someone called me an asshole the other day. Repeatedly. Told me I’ve always been an asshole and I will always be an asshole.

When we label people like that, that is all they will ever be to us. I will always be an asshole in that person’s mind because they use that word against me.

In seperate yet related news, once again my anxiety is holding me back from doing something that I should be doing. I am supposed to go somewhere, and my stomach hurts just thinking about it. Its not fair to anyone. Its sad.

I’m sorry.

I’m an asshole, and ill always be an asshole.

Winn Claybaugh always said “the busiest day of the year at the gym is january 2nd. But go back to that same gym a month later and see how many people are there”

So fucing true.

I decided instead of making new years resolutions, I’m going to make a list of cool shit I wanna do in 2009. Ill keep you posted.

New years eve this year was fucking amazing. Me and Erakuh started off the night by trying to eat dinner at Benihana in Anaheim, but after sitting there for almosty 30 minutes with only the busboy bringing us tea we decided to just leave.

We made it to Disneyland around 8. The lines were crazy, and as I got closer to the ticket booth I noticed that you can now pay for a passport in MONTHLY PAYMENTS. Holy fuck. Amazing. So I paid my 69 dollars to get in and now 8.75 gets taken out of my bank account every month.

It was crowded. We went to california adventure, rode the coaster, got cheese on a stick and went on soarin over california.

Made it back into disneyland at 1130 and made our way to just to the left of the castle. The walkways were jammed and we settled there. The countdown happened, got an amazing midnight kiss and then the real fireworks happened.

Well, they would have happened if the fog wasn’t blocking the view. The entire 65,000 person crowd grew rather quiet as they realized that there were indeed fireworks going off. We could hear them but could only see colored patches in the sky, not full blown extravagannza that we hoped for.

On a side note, I fucking love fireworks.

We stayed there for about another hour, rode dumbo and the haunted mansion. Made our way home in the fog.

Honestly probably one of the best, if not THE best new years I’ve ever had.

I hope that this night is an indication of how the rest of the year will go, but that’s too hard to determine. So far its been just as challenging.

I have never owned or paid for a magazine or video. I have only been to two strip clubs in my life.

I just don’t care. Its just not my thing.

I have of course seen it, and I don’t necessarily think its wrong. I just don’t need it.

I woke up at 6:22 and couldn’t go back to sleep. I had troubled sleep all night, waking up from weird/bad dreams. I tried to go back to sleep, but terrible, awful things appeared in my mind that wouldn’t allow it.

On tuesday my grandma asked me how I liked my new job. I told her that I was still trying to get used to it, and that so far I honestly didn’t like it that much.

She said, “well bill (her husband) worked at PNM (new mexico’s version of sdg&e) for 30 years and hated it the entire time. Sometimes in life you just have to do things you don’t want to”

Is that what I’m resigned to? To be in a job that I don’t love?

Yesterday Erakuh was talking about how people used to get married really young and STAY married. Was it the same as the way they viewed jobs? That they just stayed there because they felt they had to?

Andrew told me that I have a shitty attitude, and that I need to face the world with a smile, and act like everything is ok, then go back home and hate the world.

I’ve never wanted to live like that, but I’m slowly finding out that this is what adulthood is all about.

fleece blanket
ipod alarm clock
vans
flannel
plaid
hoodie
vampire books
coach keychain
vans watch
polaroid film
box of socks
underwear
handmade ornaments
electric toothbrush
razors
chanel cologne
bed
300 count sheets

amazing morning. breakfast, presents… dev got good stuff. erakuh got good stuff. everyone is happy. going to eat and movies later.

this was the first year that i can remember in a looooooong time that i actually was excited for xmas, and it totally met all expectations and then some.

as tim allen says “santa DELIVERS”

I want to write a top ten list of 2008. Ill get on that soon.

Its christmas eve. I’m actually really excited about christmas. Maybe because I actually have a lot of presents to give. Devin is finally old enough to really want good stuff.

I’m stoked on having a sidekick and being in contact via internet with old friends.

I was fine when I went to the bathroom and took a shower, the same as I do every morning.

Making a peanut butter and honey sandwich wasn’t bad. Didn’t make coffee like I normally do.

Left some notes for erakuh. Finished getting ready and left. Listened to Reign Supreme and Ringworm, as usual.

Got to work, and within 30 minutes, wanted to throw or kick something. Completely annoyed by everyone. Unmotivated and just plain grumpy. Just wanna crawl back into a comfy bed with the space heater aimed at our feet.

Back to sleep to redream me.

Why is that? Is it that I don’t care? Absolutely not. If I didn’t care I wouldn’t be here. I’m not here for glory or money because honestly I don’t get too much of either of those.

Truthfully I don’t have an answer. Guess ill have to just think some more.

10 days til xmas. not quite ready.

havent been writing. have had plenty of time to write, just havent been.

ive had this urge to throw something when im upset lately.

thats it.

Awoken thursday at 645 to my mom calling to tell me that papa was dead.

My grandfather was old. He had been a sailor in his youth, and in his last days had thought for a while that he was living on a boat.

I haven’t been quite right since. Its not that everything is falling apart, per se, because it definitely isnt THAT bad. But I’m stressed right the fuck out.

My life is a series of lyrics. Everything I think has been thought before.

“I’m sailin on”