Friday was a life changing day for me in my lifes history. I was able to let go of so much worry, what-ifs and false hope with a simple talk, a simple touch, and an even easier goodbye… now I feel so amazing inside.

I feel like the weight of the world was lifted off my sholders and I can really move on with everything in my life. I didn’t realize how much I had holding me back. I was lost in a fog since 2006, well really 2004. But everything is so clear now.

The joy I feel inside is so emmense. I almost want to shed a tear, this time though, a tear of joy. All of the false illusions I had are gone now. Gone. I will never have to think of it again. I just want to spin in circles staring at the stars in the sky with the biggest grin across my face. Just scream at the top of my lungs that I am ready to move on.

I’m free from my thoughts of what could have been. I know how much better off I am now. Its so wonderful.

I have butterflies in my stomach again. I have fallen inlove with the idea of LIFE again. The only love I find dear to my heart these days and truly the only one that matters.

I’m done letting such trivial things get me down time and time again, better yet, being able to let go of people who bare no importance in my lifes journey. Ones who bring me down and judge me when there is no need for it.

We only have one life to live and its so short. Why be unhappy? Why let things bother you? Why do we have to emphasize everything that’s so negative in our lives?

I say FUCK IT!

I’m done being sad. I’m over the fact I’m over weight. I’m over the judgement. I’m over everything that was before and I am going to focus all my strength, love, passion, intergity, honor, and energy into every day I live from this point on. Not into the past, not into the future but the now. The past can change and the future has yet to happen so why dwell on it?

So when I wake up, after I fall asleep and recharge my mind body and soul, I’m going to be this new me.

If you’ve read this then I just hope you’re able to reflect upon my ideas and just take something from it, even if its just a simple thought….but a thought that will help you start a better tomorrow for yourself.

Our generation seems to be bombarded with anger, depression, stress and lack of compassion for the world and everything within it. We need to make a difference.

Rise above the influence.

Make someone laugh, smile at a stranger, pick up a piece of trash, give someone a flower. Or just smile for yourself at the fact you’re alive and have the chance to make your life what you want it to be. It will make you feel good inside and may change someones life.

I’m going to stop now, not because I’m tired or out of things to say because I could probably go on to write a book, but I do realize this was a lot to read.

So good luck. Live long. Live happy.

-Natalie Franklin
May 11, 2008 5:41 AM

 Written in March of 2008. Not finished but oh well.

so its 5 in the morning and im barely getting home, im half dressed for bed wishing i was tired but my mind is still going a hundred miles an hour with little hope of stopping. im staring at the mess of a room i have created for myself, always wanting to clean it spotless but never actually following through. i have so many random thing these days, none of them actually holding any true meaning or value. just junk and clutter. it weighing me down more then i ever thought it would.

im stuck between adolescents and being an adult. i may be twenty-three yet i still feel seventeen. my life consists of the same nonsense as it did back then, going to shows, spending money on merch i’ll maybe wear once, and friendships that come and go like the tide in the ocean. all of it temporary yet i keep trying to hold onto it. im stuck. trying to hold onto my youth.

i think chris carrabba said it best,”Youth’s the most unfaithful mistress. Still we forge ahead to miss her. Rushing our moment to shine.” And gosh my moment to shine seems likes its fading away faster then i can obtain everything that i really want to.

i dont know. life happens fast and in odd ways. but all i can do is take it for whats its worth.

ive done a complete 180 in my life. im nothing that i was as far as habits consist of.

I still have my ups and downs, but what is life without them?

So basically I’ve been struggling with this whole “straight edge” labeling situation and the thought of claiming etcetera.  I, myself, have always seen the straight edge/hardcore scene being for the guys, for brotherhood.  At the same time thats so stupid.  Just because I have boobs and wear fake eyelashes doesnt make me any less of a hardcore kid.

Hardcore has been my life for so many years I dont see why i have ever let myself not fully enjoy it.  Also, I have cleaned up my life and will never go back so why not claim?

I guess I just haven’t ever claimed because I have always cared what others think about me.  I hate being judged for my decisions, I hate being ridiculed for what i adore in my life.

BUT WHO FUCKING CARES?!

I know I don’t anymore and its about time!! I’m 23 years old. I have no one to impress, and i don’t give a fuck what people think about me anymore.  I allowed myself to become so utterly depressed earlier this year for reasons that were so meaningless and held no true value to who i am or what i stand for.

So fuck it. Fuck everyone who talks shit because they really have no reason to.  I know how much of an amazing person I am inside and out!  And if others can’t see it, its their loss.  I’m a great friend, a good listener, and I am always here for anyone who need someone.

Hmmm… so many points and ideas spread all over the place.  So to sum it up:

my life: straight edge
my scene: hardcore
my love: God

GET OVER IT!!

I probably sound repetitive by now…always talking about the same nonsense over and over again. but its part of who i am, so why be silent?

between 2006 and most of 2007 i had no self control what so ever. i had an over eating problem, a drinking problem, and a smoking problem. i just didnt care about my body, i didnt care about myself. i was indulging in everything i shouldnt and i was just simply out of control. i was lost, confused. wanting things i couldnt have and filing the void with pointless addictions and undeeded emotions.

thankfully i woke up. i knew that i was better then what i had become. i knew i could overcome everything that had happened to me and i could get through it. and well i have.

i am so PROUD of myself. i just want to pat myself on the back every day for waking up so strong and in control of who i am and what im doing with my life.

this new journey of mine started over the summer when i made the decision to become vegetarian. soon after i wanted my mind to be free of poisons so i stopped drinking and smoking on october first. a few days before thanksgiving i decided to test myself even further and became vegan.

and to prove the strength of my self control, i have now made a vow:Â not to give myself to just any guy, but to a man who will love me for me and who i may spend the rest of my life with.

in a world with such temptation and impulse, abstinence is hard to obtain for many. but i feel that it is the right choice for me right now. Life was easier when i was abstinent. TRUE LOVE is supposed to wait anyways.

The definition of pure is stated as: Â free from anything of a different, inferior, or contaminating kind; free from extraneous matter.

i want nothing more then to be PURE INSIDE.  physically, spiritually and emotionally.

2008 is going to be the best year of my life. ive already made some of the biggest changes in my life already and well im stoked on how much self control i have these days and to just grow as a person and get to know myself even better.

drug free.
vegan.
Christian.
realistic.

its fun how i can sum myself up in a few words.

Do you ever have those moments where life just kind of hits you hard? Where you have an auto-rewind and a super flash forward to where you are at that moment in time?  Like your whole life just flashes before your very eyes, but not because of something traumatic?

Well it all hit me driving to work this morning when I got to the bottom of the mountain.  The images I saw…I was in awe, I was in disgust, I was ashamed, and yet I couldn’t have been happier all at the same time.  Talk about being overwhelmed.  It’s weird how your mind can play everything back like a movie.  So vivid and so clear and even more emotional.

With this journey my mind took me back to 2004 and the crazy journey my life went through with my ex, the break up, the mistakes I made after we ended, and how I lost utter and complete control of myself for several months following until just recently on October 1, 2007.

Now I’ve already talk about my spiritual wonderings and wanderings.  Which to this date are still in effect and still a big part of who I am and always will be.  I may touch upon this again, and if so, please forgive me for repeating myself.

So here are some things that hit me:

I have always held myself with very strong morals and much self respect on a personal note.  I have always stood up for myself and my beliefs and my opinions.  I have a good intuition when to give up the fight and just let bygones be bygones.  I know never to push my beliefs on anyone.  I know when to fade away into the distance or make my presence known.

Yet for most of 2006 and 2007 I just let everything go.  I gave up on myself and went into a self destruction mode.  I just wanted to be liked and fit in with everyone which was probably one of the dumbest things I could have ever done.  I look back and I am sickened that I ever took up drink or smoking again.  I was so sure I would never do those things to my mind or body again on my 19th birthday, yet soon after the break up and soon after my 21st birthday I went crazy.  I was so miserable and upset about my life and the fact  I had put on over 80 pounds with comfort foods because I was so depressed over such unimportant events that I now am looking back were so irrelevant, that I just began to drink away my sorrow, my regret, and the emptiness in my heart.

But you see thats where I dont understand why I even did that.  I know that drinking and smoking only masks the problem, nothing ever gets solved doing that.  I KNEW IT THEN yet I was so pathetic, I did it anyway.  I am so disappointed in myself, no one will ever know how horrible I feel about the stupid decisions I made at such a low point in my life.

I was at rock bottom.  I was miserable.  I hated myself for everything I was doing.  The people I was hanging out with.  The fact I was trying to be someone I was not.  It was all such a bad situation.  One I know I will never repeat again.

Back around my 22nd birthday I had a huge awakening.  The night had come and gone so quickly, and I found myself stranded in Fullerton intoxicated beyond belief.  My best friend, at the time, had ditched me and I was stuck in my freezing car sick and hating life.  It was the most awful feeling in the world.   At that point I knew I would never drink to that extent again, if ever again at that point.  After that night drinking was no longer part of who I was which was refreshing.

However, along with picking up drinking, I began to smoke cigarettes heavily.  I was putting away a pack to 2 packs a day.  Every spare moment  I had I was smoking.  I felt that it helped me to talk to people.  I thought that it made it easier and put my shyness aside. It made me think I had something in common with others that also smoked.  It soon became my ultimate crutch.  A crutch I needed to move on from.

I never wanted to smoke like I did, it was just supposed to be a social thing.  A drink and a smoke.  A moronic social habit that turned into a real bitch.  I smelled horrible and my finger were yellow from tar.  It was filthy.  Disgusting.  Dirty.

So for months I tried quitting… always getting down to one Capri Short Light a day then I would stress out and BAM! a pack would disappear again before my very eyes.  I was so angry with myself every time. What sucks the most is that I knew what I was doing was stupid and foolish. Yet I was so weak I didn’t know how to resist the temptation.

On the night of September 30, 2007 I decided enough was enough.  No more self pitty.  No more giving in.  No more self destruction. I was done!!

I was driving down the 91 east heading home and I just knew that October 1st was going to be my beginning at a new life. A new me.  A me with total self control.  I had had enough of everything I had become. It wasn’t me.  Something came over me.  A power I had never felt before deep inside of me. I was in control of my life.  FINALLY!

It was the greatest feeling I have ever felt in my whole entire life.  It was my GLORY DAY.

THIS IS MY LIFE. MY ONLY CHANCE AT IT FOR THAT MATTER. AND FOR THIS ONE LIFE I HAVE, I WILL ALWAYS LIVE IT TO THE FULLEST.  I WILL NEVER LET MY EMOTIONS TAKE CONTROL OF ME AGAIN.  THEY ARE SO SHORT LIVED AND HOLD NO TRUE VALUE UPON MY EXISTENCE.

Every day you wake up you have a chance to start over, to start fresh.  Why wait when you can do it now.  If I can do it, anyone can.  I have faith in every single person out there that knows they need to start over.  You can change anything you don’t like about yourself at the very snap of a finger.  And what cant happen instantly is just a blink away if you have patience and endurance to succeed and get past everything thats weighing you down.

My idea on the simple (yet very complicated) concept of life:  You’re life’s a movie, you’re very own documentary.  You’re the director, the editor, the screen writer, but most importantly, YOURE THE STAR!!  Only YOU have the power to make changes in it, so stop being a pussy and live the life you want to live!!  NOW!!  Not tomorrow of the next.  Life is awesome live it up.   - Natalie Brutality 12/26/2007

Back in September I had a life changing night. And everything seemed to just fall into place with answers and realizations that were so heart felt and meaningful to me then and now. As I was going through my old tmails I stumbled upon this email i sent to a good friend of mine.

September 14, 2007

So I had the worst night ever, but then again I think it was the best night of my life.

After not seeing her for months, because she up and moved to Colorado with a complete stranger, I realized so much about my “best friend” and that I’m so grateful I’m nothing like her. She’s a cheat, a whore, and a pathological liar. The details of how I came to this conclusion are pretty self explanatory so I’m not going to go into detail. But she used me, stuck me in the most awkward position of my life, and has thought nothing of it. After her petty actions I am ashamed to even call her a friend, or to have ever called her one at that.

So after this horrific discovery, which was something I assumed but gave her the benefit of the doubt, my mind started going a million miles an hour thinking about how I’ve been living me life.

I’ve been on a weary walk with God ever since my ex and I broke up almost 2 years ago. I have been so confused and hurt and I just have not been able to figure out where I really stood on the forefront of my faith, but now I know where I stand and I feel so relieved, you have no idea. But I am kind of jumping ahead of my self……

So there I was alone, diving home from LA, in shock and extremely upset and so I started listening to Whoremonger, feeling that it suited the cause for the situation. Her being the one to “kill you with a smile and slit your throat with a wink of her eye.” No joke, I’m disgusted with her. Utterly disgusted.

And well that’s when it hit me. I have been surrounding myself with shitty people with no morals, no self respect, selfishness, and only living for themselves. I was looking at everything in fast forward from 2 years ago to the very second in which I was living and I just knew what I needed. And that was to start over and start my walk again with Jesus Christ. To something pure, something divine.

By this time I had reached the bottom of the mountain and I was almost deafened by the blare of sleeping giant. All of the words were sinking in in a new way and truly touching my very soul. I was consumed by the message and the love and the compassion consuming me.

And then I don’t know why but I started praying so wholeheartedly. Begging for a sign, begging for anything to help me realize my life and where I need to take it. I just wanted anything to show me the way… anything at all.

Then like magic as I was looking to the heavens above, and a single shooting star fell from the sky. That being the single shooting star changed my life. And coincidently “Oh Praise Him” came on and I was dumbfounded. Its like I was being told that everything was ok and that it was time to start over and begin a new journey in my life.

So there I sat in tears, but not so much tears of sadness and disgust as they were in the beginning.. But they had turned to tears hope and happiness.

And here I am. 3 days into my new beginning. With a new head on my shoulders, a smile on my face and a feeling of love from above.

Like I don’t know where I’d be in my life right now if I wouldn’t have had you guys there with me (in a sense of “being there” that is). And even going back further…Its was weird because when I started losing hope and losing faith after my breakup….I happened to just randomly go to showcase for the seventh star show and there you guys were playing your first song of the night and I felt so at peace. And to be truthful, you guys have been what has been keeping me from going back to the atheistic life I used to live. I guess you guys are my knight in shining armor in a metaphorical sense. And for that I can’t be more thankful.

I am truly grateful for your kindness and friendship. It means a lot to me. I know you may not think of me as a friend, but I would really like to one day have a strong friendship with you.

So thank you again and God bless,
Natalie

ps i hope that all made sense.

So that is what I wrote my dear friend, Travis. Just rereading that gives me butterflies in my stomach because it was such a surreal experience, one that was so monumental on my life and to my existence. I’m just blown away and it still feels amazing. I can’t even describe the happiness that night has brought me.

“Straight Edge,” “Drug Free,” “XXX,” “SXE”…They’re all just a title. Something to describe who you are. Its a way to relate to people and make new friends. And in essence they all relate to the same idea of purity.

As for me, yes, Ive cleaned up my life so put whatever title you want to on me. It makes no difference to me what you want to call me. But I am drug free, and will be until my dying breath.

So I have a hoodie that says “edge”, I support the message behind it. I live the lifestyle: no drinking, no smoking, no drugs, no promiscuity. I listen to the music and support the bands who are all about it.

I’ve never felt better about myself or who I am.

I’m not claiming straight edge, but I have decided to live my life by its rules. So instead of talking shit, how about you support me in my decision. I wont bag on your lifestyle if you don’t bag on mine.

Its called respect. Lets have it for one another. And while you’re at it how about you do something good for yourself and clean up your act too. Life’s short you should live it to the fullest without anything holding you back.

Obesity

Definition: Obesity is an abnormal accumulation of body fat, usually 20% or more over an individual’s ideal body weight. Obesity is associated with increased risk of illness, disability, and death.

that being stated, it is obvious that i myself am obese. im 5′9” and weight about 240 pounds give or take depending on the day. my BMI is between 39% and 42% which means my body is almost 1/2 made of fat which is utterly disgusting and the thought of that is making me ill.

one would think that i would have done something about my weight by now, but every time i get motivated, something happens and i start eating again. its quite pathetic i know.. but im a nervous eater, a stressed out eater, a sad eater, a depressed eater… and well i just cant seem to stop shoveling food into my hole.

i have OCED… obsessive compulsive eating disorder! i might have just made that term and phrase up but its true. like fat bastard in austin powers said… “i eat because im unhappy and im unhappy because i eat.” amen to that shit. but whats worse if i dont even realize im doing it. like its bad.

but my concern isnt the way my body looks, even though it makes me sick every time i look into a mirror and see what ive done to myself. its not the fat that hangs from my belly, is not the fat that hangs from my underarms, or the double shin on my face… its the fact that what im doing to my body is so horrific and unhealthy.

i only get one life and one chance at health but im like tossing it down the drain. i dont exercise and i eat horribly… ive cut out meat and have gone to mainly 100% organic foods… but still i dont move enough. and i wish i had it in me to just start… even with a simple walk around the block.

when i was 18 going on 19 something clicked in me and i lost 80 pounds and looked great and felt so amazing…. but for some reason i cant find that motivation again and its heartbreaking.

but i need to find it again. i need to become the person i am inside and out and being fat is holding me back. i know i have a pretty face and a good personality but i want to feel good about who i am and how i look.

my favorite show, boston legal, has had an issue on the show with obesity. denny crane (aka my future husband william schatner) fired an associate because she was fat and he didnt want to catch her “fat disease”… they brought up many legit reasons about how out nation is the fattest in the world and how if you hang out with fat people you’ll get fat. and ya know what, its so true. i know when i hang out with my friends that are chubsters like myself, i end up eating much more then if i am with my skinny friends.. and when im with my skinny friends i always feel bad if we eat cuz im always like thinking in the back of my mind that they usually dont eat and that its my fault that they are… but like i mean there have been so many studies about this that have been published and like its a total bum out.  i feel like im a walking infection of fatness.

i really appreciate all my friends who always try and say “oh your not fat blah blah blah” but in all actually, that isnt helping me one bit. lying to me is actually making it worse on me both emotionally and physically and its doing me more harm then good. i really appreciate your kind words… but lets be serious, the only way i’ll see it and get motivated is if youre straight forward about my body and how i look. tough love is the best love for ones health.

so maybe if were hanging out you can steer me away from french fries and spread… maybe you can be like “hey lets go for a walk before we watch a movie” I NEED YOUR HELP.

thank you <3

“Never”

nev·er
–adverb
1.not ever; at no time: Such an idea never occurred to me.
2.not at all; absolutely not: never mind; This will never do.
3.to no extent or degree: He was never the wiser for his experience.—Idiom
4.never mind, don’t bother; don’t concern yourself.

So I’ve been pondering on a conversation I had with my ex-boyfriend while I was breaking up with him the other week… and well the simple word, “never,” was the key word that pretty much pushed me overboard on my decision to end things almost immediately.

The idea of “never” is so simply described as the absolute of something that will not amount to anything.

Back tracking a bit: As human beings, we mature and grow up as time goes on, eventually becoming an adult. So being an adult (a person who has attained the age of maturity as specified by law), one would assume that you would begin to start a life for yourself around the age of 18 give or take, and break away from your parents and come into your own existence… Setting yourself free from all childhood nonsense and adolescent immaturity, right?

So basically I guess I’m calling him out on this issue… and mind you, I have the right to do this, being that freedom of speech is protected by the 1st amendment of our country’s constitution known at the Bill of Rights, and quite frankly I feel the need to do this right now because he needs to grow up… but since I already tried talking to him and he didn’t want to here it, I am now forced to blog my thoughts and opinions. So if by now you’re already bored of this, please stop reading because obviously you don’t give a shit.

So there I was leaning against my car at 3 o’clock in the morning where I called him out of his parent’s house. The first words out of my mouth were, “Hun, I can’t be with a 16 year old.” And well the talk began from there. As you continue to read, please keep in mind that he is almost 25 years old.

No rewinding back to the previous week and a half of our so called “relationship,” we had gone to Disneyland and meet up with my little brother’s 15 year old girlfriend (well ex girlfriend now and well she’s lucky I’m not underage, but that’s besides the point of this story now isn’t it?)… so there we were, him, myself, her, and her gay friend having a good time. And well I guess he had an even better time because the next day and every preceding day since that one, he has hung out with this little girl.

MIND YOU HE IS AN ADULT AND ALMOST 25 YEARS OLD… THAT ABOUT A 9+ YEAR AGE DIFFERENCE HERE….

Ok, so back now to the whole point of the topic of this blog, “NEVER,” he is an adult yet he has basically decided that he is “never” going to grow up. I asked him why he felt that it was ok hanging out with someone so young at all hours of the night, and he told me that he “…never wants to grow up,” that being around younger kids made him feel “young” and that his friends that are his age “only want to get fucked up and party.”

Wow. So the fact that because he’s straight edge, and some of his friends are not, allows him to act like a child and ignore his age? Well I’m sorry to burst his bubble, but the day he turned 18… the Country decided he was an adult… not mommy, not daddy, not Jude Judy, but the founding fathers of our country, the United States of America.

At a point of reflection: A 25 year old man hanging out with a 15 year old child. Now, knowing that he has maturity issues due to the fact his parents are horrible and treat him like an 8 year old, it’s as if he doesn’t seem to grasp the fact that he’s a man now. Seeing kids at a show and being like ‘Hey what’s up buddy” is one thing, but hanging out all the time is quite pathetic.

Now I’m just going to point out that he’s becoming a pedophile, and for some reason I find it utterly hilarious. While I was driving home from a show last night well after our state’s curfew for minors, my friend alluded to the fact that his away message said, “At Disneyland with my Princess.” UM HELLO?!?! SHE’S 15 AND YOU’RE 24 AND IT’S PAST CERFEW YOU IDIOT… THAT’S ILLEGAL BUDDY!!!”

So yeah that’s that. If you know who my ex is, I am ashamed to have ever called him my boyfriend now that this has transpired. If you are friend’s with him, maybe you should talk some sense into him because statutory rape is punishable by law as explained in PENAL CODE SECTION 261-269 261.5.

So I guess I got this all off my chest. I mean there is so much more that I could say, but I am choosing to hold back. I think this is enough to get my point across.

Moral of the story: Act your age and don’t hang out with children.

So this last month has been quite an interesting one. Meet a boy whom I thought was amazing. However, as of last night we decided to call it off. As a result of this, I have learned so much more about what I want out of life and what I need to make me happy.

The most important lesson that came of this is that I know I can’t even begin to wear my heart on my sleeve again and this completely reinforced my reasons on why I am single and only looking to mingle with friends right now.

I don’t like being let down. I don’t like holding people to my expectations only to find out that they are nothing that I think them to be. I like to just take everyone as they are. The only way I see this happening right now in my life is by having friends and making strong bonds and meeting new people like I have been doing.

A good friend of mine from high school told me earlier today, “Everyday is a new start. Good attitude kiddo, I’m serious. I believe you when you say you get over things fast. You have an abnormal toughness about you.” He basically summed me up pretty well. I try not to let things bother me anymore, and it is so refreshing, you have no idea.

So Josh Highland is pretty much an awesome dude. He managed to stick a smile on my face while I was trying to devise a way to break up with the bf. This being said:

Josh: you could land a new guy in no time i bet
Josh: youre natalie brutality!

Haha. Totally made me laugh, and for that I thank him.  It reiterated the fact that there are so many people out there in the world, I can’t bum out on this at all.

Talking to another good friend last night before dinner, he pointed out a pretty blatant situation I had come to find out is true about me. He pointed out the fact that I have been shy for so many years, and that I am finally coming out of my shell…. and with this new love for life that I have come into, I completely rushed into something with a guy i hardly knew and got into a premature relationship before i even got to know the guy. Like I’ve seen him around for years but I had never gotten to know him for him, and well that turned out to be a slap to the face.

After all is said and done though, it was a great learning experience for me. I wouldn’t change anything about the whole situation, because everything I just went through made me that much stronger and that much more well rounded about everything.

I hope that he and I can become friends and actually get to know one another, but know knows. If it happens that would be awesome, but if it doesn’t oh well.

Everything happens for a reason. Every experience is one to learn from and meant for you to take the good and leave behind the waste. Life is awesome and I’m still so happy that I’m living.

I’ve done such a life make over on myself and I couldn’t be happier with what I’ve done from the inside out.

I’m still me and always will be, but I am working on becoming the best ME that i can BE! Perfection is bliss and I am hoping that I can achieve it before my time is done here on this earth.

Much love to all. [November 3, 2007]