things seem better now.

despite the fact that i’m not sleeping right now and i have work in the morning, i am gradually feeling more confident in my position.

i really enjoy working with michelle which is rare for me since i’m a typical woman-hater. ha.

things with B have improved dramatically except for a few minor concerns. my only hope is that he can gain more confidence in my loyalty. we shall see.

i have curbed the partying considerably however, the urge is ever-so strong. go figure.

meeting lots of great people lately and it’s wonderful. just wonderful. talk soon.

nv.

Feeling torn never feels good.
I want to leave and I want to leave with him.
I can’t have my cake and eat it to so, obviously it won’t happen.
I also marvel at how quickly my happiness can fade.
I am briefly on cloud 9 over events like a new job, the ending of a certain friendship, finally getting an appliance, etc.
Unfortunatley, that all fades as soon as it sinks in and then my mind wanders back to ways I can escape (i.e. ingest substances to alter my reality). The more things change, the more they stay the same.

E still occupies my mind more than he knows.
B is still borderline psycho (he put me in a headlock yesterday b/c he thought xCruelSamoanX was a dude on AIM when it was really Amber).
I still have great animosity towards the majority of my family members for their constant neglect and apathy.
I am looking forward to the 3-day weekend more than anything b/c I plan to “escape” so much that I’ll need all day Monday to sleep.

Thank god no one reads this. I am truly in need of counseling at this moment.

Yeah, the title pretty much sums it up.

What a loser. Ha. It’s not the first time but, surely the most embarassing since I’ve been using the damn thing for work so much. Oh well. Thank goodness for land lines. I’m not as angry as I was but, I am still in a dilemma. I can’t make a decision on which way to go at this point. I do have options but, for some reason, my gut is telling me not to choose one at this time. Go figure.

Tonight I have to keep someone occupied so he doesn’t do something stupid involving another someone.

“sigh”

I feel totally angry today.

Matt moves out and leaves me in such a bad state financially. I’ve been a week without a fridge or vacuum. My car broke and took nearly $700 to fix. I have like 30 bucks to my name and a week until my next paycheck which will be entirely devoted to my rent.

On top of that, I get to see my relatives handed assistance time and time again. That is what REALLY angers me.

Everyone always thinks I’ll be fine, even in my most dire of circumstances. I am so sick of it. I got this rad raise and now I don’t even feel it. If that asshole would have just waited a month, it’d be easier for me. Or if my parents would have given me some kind of foundation so that I’m not consistently in debt because of loan, debts, interest and the like.

My mother pays my 27-year-old sisters cell phone bill, insurance bill and who knows what else. She has nothing to show for all this assistance. I won’t even get into my other siblings. I think I will get so angry that I won’t be able to type.

So here I am, feeling so ghetto b/c I can’t even buy myself a soda. Even if I did, I don’t have any way to keep it cold. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I can only bitch about this here. I hate to sound like, “woe is me” but, I feel like with all the sacrifices I’ve made to get here, I should be feeling comfortable. I don’t though. I am poor and lacking in basic things that people need to live.

I always keep my word.

It seems lately, it’s getting harder to do that.

I feel compelled to please everyone while avoiding the sad truth that, I cannot. My stomach aches from the stress. I’ll be back soon.

Blaqk Audio Davey is very impressive. Lovin’ the suit. Reminds me of old AFI Davey but all grown up. That’s my fangirl observation for the day.

On another note, I am not quite sure how many of these blogs I’ve started. Blog is a lame word. We need a new one.

Depending on the state of my life, I guess I create new ones. Major points to anyone that stumbles across any of the abandoned ones. Some are pretty gritty, since at the time I was engaging in behaviour that was  not exactly…um….positive, we’ll say.

So yeah, more non-sensical ramblings to come.

Happy Friday!

nv.