And i still cant sleep, still feel like a shit head and im still confused in general. My mom is gone in Canada visiting my Grandma (she isnt doing too well) and Ive been home watching my little brothers all week. Sounds so cliche but a hardcore song comes to mind right now. I dont even wanna mention the song, but honestly thinking about it makes me feel better. I just feel like shit the end
Right now I feel like a complete fuck up. I know I have done wrong and at this point there is nothing I can do to fix it. I have let people down that i didnt mean to or want to. I have this problem where when i mess up or if things get to hard I just shut down and pretend it will go away. I think it has to do with something that happened to me when I was younger but thats a whole other can of worms. So this pattern of messing up and then ignoring it seems to be really causing me anxiety.
I dont think Ive had a good nights sleep in a couple of weeks. I lay in bed and i feel the weight of the world on me. I can not stop my self going over everything in my head, its not only the mistakes ive turned my back on (and no longer can fix, i can only lay there and take it) but everything. I think about the world today how the economy is going down the shitter and we are the ones that are going to have to deal with it. Mainly I think about the ways I fuck up and how shitty i deal with it. It really makes me feel like a complete ass and I know I should change. The thing isI think by now it is ingrained in me.
I dont know man, I’ll probably regret this blog in the morning.
I just wish this anxiety and feeling like a =n asshole would just go away. Decent sleep would be great.
I dont think people fully grasp i was gonna finish writing this but the office so damn funny right now. hahah
Im loosing my mind again. Not thinking clear.
“does the mind rule the body or the body rule the mind?”
sums that up
I use my cell phone for an alarm clock. There is an option on the volume settings that i used to think was sweet and i use to use. The setting is that you can put your phone on alarm only. Only the alarm would ring, phone calls and texts would all be silenced. I used to think this was sweet till one day it hit me, what if someone i love is in trouble and needs me. And they call me and i dont answer because its on that dumb selfish setting? I want to be there for the people i love 24/7. not just when im awake. Life is more then just me.
Every time i drive by a house for sale i think about what it would be like buying it. I think about what would it look like with little staffords running around it being sweet. I think about living there with my wife being secure. And then I realize that right now im not on that track. Im not on the track to having that kind of life. Im on the track thats gonna be living with their parents till im 30. And now right now life is sweet i will admit. I have nothing bringing me down (girls are usually the only thing that really bring me down. really, mom included.) But I think about how if my son wants to play hockey and travel, he can. If my daughter wants to take dance classes she can. And right now im setting myself up for that not to happen. But the worst part is i know all of this and im still not motivated. I still don’t do anything about it. For the life of me i can’t get my shit together. i really cant. It seems like i need someone yelling in my ear to keep going and work hard, and I hate feeling like that. I hate not being able to do stuff myself. end rant
life is still sweet. thank god i dont like anyone hahaha
